Recovering My Lost Self Before I Lose It

For too long, women complaining of decreased cognitive function after undergoing chemo were ignored by the medical community. For most of us the effects are short term, but some women experience severe and long lasting effects. Last month the New York Times* reported that with so many women undergoing chemo for breast cancer, attention is finally being paid to the complaints. “Until recently, oncologists would discount it, trivialize it, make patients feel it was all in their heads, said Dr. Daniel Silverman, a cancer researcher at the University of California, Los Angeles, who studies the cognitive side effects of chemotherapy. “Now there’s enough literature, even if it’s controversial, that not mentioning it as a possibility is either ignorant or an evasion of professional duty.” This shift in attitude is significant, considering the long, long history of women's complaints being viewed with skepticism. *To read the NYT article requires a sign-in which can be gotten around by first going to BugMeNot.com and getting a functioning username and password.*

Women tend to stop discussing complaints with their doctors once they've been treated as though it's all in their heads. I've struggled with headaches, migraines, and sleep disorders since childhood. I've never seen a doctor specifically for these problems, having been brushed off one too many times. And I'm one of the more knowledgeable, assertive patients. I worry about all the silent women and the families affected by their aftereffects from chemo.

"Most oncologists agree that the culprits include very high doses of chemotherapy, like those in anticipation of a bone marrow transplant; the combination of chemotherapy and supplementary hormonal treatments, like tamoxifen or aromatase inhibitors that lower the amount of estrogen in women who have cancers fueled by female hormones; and early-onset cancer that catapults women in their 30s and 40s into menopause."

Yep, in a couple of months I'll start taking tamoxifen and then aromatase inhibitors for several years following radiation treatment. So far my cognitive function seems pretty good, although it's easy to lose words and my short term recall isn't great. It does feel temporary, though, and it began before chemo began - due to the stress and shock of being diagnosed and treated. So what am I doing to prevent permanent effects?

I'm taking the cue from Alzheimer's research and pro-actively challenging my brain. Okay, so I like to do that anyway, but now I have an excuse to do it to my best advantage. I like to do Sudokus , only now I try to do at least one every day and actively push my skill level. I'm also thinking about challenging other parts of my brain with some of those mini web games that let you create words from random letters, or web strategy games. Lastly, while I don't want to learn a new language if I'm never going to use it, instead I occasionally immerse myself in a complex game world with lots of rules, strategy, history, mythology, unlimited exploration, and role-playing styles.

From my first days of diagnosis there were two parts of myself I most feared losing, because they make up a huge part of who I am. What kind of death could be worse than loss of self? I fear losing my quick, curious mind and also my libido, whether it manifests as my natural enthusiasm or my sexual self. I have plans to address the cognitive issues, but I'm clueless about how to protect my sex drive.