It's A Good Week

I'm halfway through chemo now! Ten weeks more.

This week's round of chemo is going even better than last week's, maybe because the AC (Adriamycin & Cytoxan) is gradually leaving my body. I drove myself home from Taxol treatment with no problem, have had energy to do a year's worth of filing, and the mental clarity to work on my taxes and set up new things on my computer. It feels great to be a step closer to feeling myself once again. I'm getting my tastebuds back and my eyes and nose aren't running as much as before, but then there are odd things like my toenails are coming unglued(?) and my knees are sore. Once I'm done with chemo, I'll never take little things like this for granted in quite the same way.

Today the kids returned from Maui, mosquito-blotched, sunburned, and happy. Tomorrow Chelsea goes back to school and Geoffrey stays with me for a couple of weeks. April brings birthdays for all three of us! I'm so glad we're past the times of putting together a party for 15 four-year-olds and their parents. These days Geoffrey's happiest with cash and Chelsea likes everything, so I can give my energy to enjoying their company instead of giving the celebration a lot of effort.

I wonder if I will feel differently this year on my birthday. I guess I should celebrate another year of living, not just another year of aging. It does feel as if my life has been on hold: last year, with the focus and restrictions of losing 30 pounds, and this year devoted to cancer treatment. I sometimes see it as big chunks out of my life, a year for each task, and then 2008 earmarked for losing the remaining weight and getting back to a lifelong exercise habit to further reduce the chance of recurrence. But when I think about it, life goes on whether I'm dieting or in chemo or being a demon at the gym. I still have my loved ones and to be honest, I wasn't exactly living life to the fullest before this, so when this is over I will be far ahead in many ways.

But changes and new beginnings bring lots of mental demolition and reconstruction. I'm tossing out old, painful, ineffective patterns and waiting for new solutions to emerge. I do some of this processing through reading and other inward time, which is probably part of the reason I haven't been posting to this blog as often recently. There's lots of behind-the-scenes emotional work going on, I guess.

I'm so grateful for having come across Robin Hobb's rich, complex set of fantasy trilogies at this perfect time. Story can have great power to catalyze intellectual and emotional change, and to serve as familiar companion during challenging times. There's certainly enough here to accompany me all year.