My New Reality Redux

I haven't been adding to the blog for a couple of months, mainly because I've been very sick. I couldn't understand why I wasn't bouncing back following the end of treatment in August, but the cause became apparent on Thanksgiving, which I spent in the emergency room all day while they ran tests. It turns out that I had an infection in my lower intestine from diverticulitis. Eighteen months before, I had a routine colonoscopy and there was no sign of diverticulosis, and I eat a high fiber diet, so this was a total surprise to me. It's apparently a big deal, a difficult infection to get rid of, and potentially life-threatening, so they put me on both Cipro and Flagyl and I spent the next 10 days on a soft diet at home, dizzy, foggy-brained, sleepless, jittery, and miserable from the side effects of the antibiotics. I just finished them a couple of days ago, and I'll get rechecked on Monday. I hope it's gone. I've apparently had this infection simmering for a few months now, which means I actually have a chance of feeling well for the first time since this time last year!

Unfortunately I never got Thanksgiving dinner, specifically pecan pie, the only part of Thanksgiving food that I care about. No more nuts and seeds for me, to prevent future infections, so I may never get that pie! Now I have to add diverticulitis prevention to the ridiculously expanding lists of rules that I'm struggling to live by in my New Reality. Breast cancer recurrence prevention rules, weight loss rules, exercise rules, diverticulosis rules, low sodium rules, and now they're messing with my other medications too. My blood pressure is suddenly unmanageable with diuretics, they're weaning me off a med they gave me during chemo which was addicting (thanks for telling me, guys!), my hormones are wacky from Tamoxifen and sudden menopause, and I'm angry and frustrated at being perpetually sick. Whew!

On top of that, they're concerned that my breast isn't healing properly from the combination of surgery and radiation, so this Christmas, as last Christmas, will be shadowed by mammograms, consultations with surgeon, radiological oncologist, oncologist, waiting for results, etc.

I've been trying so hard this year to go with the flow, to remember how lucky I am, to be patient, but honestly it's all just wearing me down, and especially at this time of year when I'd hoped to feel renewed and victorious.

I liked the Old Reality much better. I wonder if I'll ever feel like myself again. I feel off-kilter, ungrounded, and I'm not using good judgment. My emotions are all over the place and I'm struggling for an even keel.

I'd hoped to make wondrous origami things for xmas presents this year, but I've just been too sick and caught up in this roller-coaster ride to do anything at all. I'm feeling very behind for the holidays this year. Amazon is my downfall and my savior!

My New Year's Resolution calls for catching up with a decade's worth of home repairs and maintenance, and if I'm really lucky, I'll clean out the closets and the guest room, which I can hardly open the door into, for all the stuff jammed in there! If I can't get my self in order, I can damn well get my house in order!